Aardvark Recipes
Before starting this epic I would just like to inform you about the "Aardvark Recipe Collection," which I have just started collating. I'm on the lookout for interesting of tasty recipes, so please send you favourite recipes which use aardvarks, or aardvark poo.

Aardvarks on the Internet
I am toying with the idea of starting up a new Usenet discussion group.  I will hopefully call it alt.aardvarks.world.domination.yeah. It would be a place for aardvark lovers of all creeds, colours, nationalities, sexual preference (Aardvaroality preferred of course), from all over the world to get together (providing that they have access to the internet). We will be able to share hints and tips for keeping our pets clean and healthy smelling. Watch this space. (Actually it's not a space, but a full stop. But I don't care)

More Aardvarks on the Internet
There is a wealth of aardvark resources on the World-wide Web. If you find any great aardvark pages out there, please let me know so that I can keep the new "Aardvark Web Index" up to date. Actually, it's so new that it doesn't exist yet.  But as they say - It's only a matter of time. They also say that aardvarks can't speak, but we know better don't we.

A Fundamental of Life - Finally Solved
Why is it that whenever you lose your favourite aardvark, it's always in the last place you look? Well, the other day somebody pointed out to me that it's because when you've found it you stop looking. Wow! What's been up with the human race for all these years?

Did You Know?
The aardvark always knows it will have enough of it's favourite food, desert melons, to eat.  When the animal drinks the water contained in the melon, it swallow's the seeds as well.  These are passed out of the aardvark in it's dung, which it then buries.  The seeds grow into new melons and the aardvark knows that if he goes back to the same spot some time later, there will be melons for it to eat.  They are crafty buggers aren't they.

Aardvarklings?
What are baby aardvarks called? Answers on a postcard to...

The First Aardvark Riddle
Question: Ten aardvarks were sheltering under one small umbrella. Why didn't any of them get wet?
You will find the answer after this next set of jokes.

Not Quite (but nearly) the World's Worst Aardvark Jokes
Customer: I'd buy that aardvark, but it's legs are too short.
Pet Shop Owner: Too short? They all touch the floor don't they?

If your aardvark lost his (or her) tail where would you get another one from?
A Retail Shop.

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing flying aardvarks.
Doctor: Have you seen a psychiatrist?
Patient: No, I just keep seeing flying aardvarks.

Two aardvarks watched in amazement as a firework flashed across the sky.
1st aardvark: Wow! I wish I could fly like that.
2nd aardvark: You would, if your tail was on fire.

What will an aardvark become if you throw it into the sea?
Wet.

The Answer to the Riddle Which Was Just Before the Not Quite (but nearly) the World's Worst Aardvark Jokes
Answer: It wasn't raining.

The Second Aardvark Riddle
How many aardvarks can you put in an empty box?
Once again, you will find the answer after this next set of jokes.

Almost (very nearly) the World's Worst Aardvark Jokes

Fred and Bob shared a cage (it was a large one - no cruelty here) for their two aardvarks. So that they could tell which was which, they tied a red ribbon around Fred's aardvark's neck.
But one day when they went to play with their aardvarks (It was before school, so there was no hanky panky) the ribbon had fallen off. "How shall we tell the aardvarks apart now?" said Bob.
Fred thought for a while. "I know!" he said. "You have the dark brown aardvark, and I'll have the sandy coloured one!"

A man tried to sell his neighbour an aardvark, promising that it could talk, but his neighbour refused to believe him. Suddenly the aardvark spoke. "Please buy me," the aardvark pleaded. "My owner is cruel and never feeds me, even though I'm the most clever aardvark in the world."
"So he can talk!" exclaimed the neighbour. "Why on earth would you want to sell such an amazing creature?"
"Because he tells such awful lies..."

What has six legs, two arms, four eyes and a tail?
A man holding an aardvark.

What have all eighteenth century aardvarks got in common?
They are all dead.

George: I've got a new aardvark. Would you like to play with him?
Errol: I don't really know. I've heard it growling, it doesn't sound very friendly. Does it bite?
George: That's what I want to find out.

A man found an aardvark in the park.  So he went to a policeman and asked, "What should I do with it?"
"Take it to the zoo," the policeman replied.
The next day the policeman saw the man again, and he still had the aardvark with him.  "Why didn't you take that aardvark to the zoo?" the policeman asked.
"I did.  And today I'm taking it to the cinema instead."

Answer to the Second Aardvark Riddle Which Was Put Here to Split-up Those Very Poor Jokes
One, after that the box isn't empty.

Another Riddle-type thing (Only not a Riddle at all but a Challenge)
Prove that an aardvark has three tails.  Once again, you'll find the answer a bit further down, if you can be bothered to look.

Virtually the Worst Aardvark Jokes in the World (And Unfortunately There are Quite a Lot of Them)
I call my aardvark Camera.  He's always snapping.

Vet:  Give three teaspoonfuls of this to your aardvark every night.
Person:  But I've only got one teaspoon.

Mother:  Why did you put this aardvark in your sister's bed?
Little Boy:  I couldn't find a mouse.

Aardvark Owner:  Could I have a kilo of ants for my aardvark please?
Pet Shop Owner:  I'm sorry, we don't do exchanges.

What did the cobbler say to the annoying aardvark?
Shoo!

A lady went to the taxidermist to buy a stuffed aardvark for her husband, but she wasn't impressed by the one she was offered.  "It's not big enough," she said.  The taxidermist knew that it was the only one he had, but he pretended to go and have a look in the store room.  What he actually did was to ruffle the fur and put it in a bigger box.
"Oh, that's fine," said the lady, "I'll take them both."

And Here is That Proof-Thing I Promised You Six Jokes Before
Any aardvark has more tail than no aardvark, right?
And no aardvark has two tails, right?
So any aardvark must have three tails.

Slightly Better (But Only Marginally) Jokes With the Recurring Common Theme of Aardvarks
A huge elephant was stomping across the country when he came across an aardvark in his path.
"You've very small," the elephant said fiercely.
"Well, I've been ill," replied the aardvark.

A man wanted a new aardvark so he looked through the classified ads.  He phoned a number he found and an elderly lady answered.
"How much are your aardvarks?" he asked.
"They're £6 each," came the reply.
"Did you raise them yourself?" inquired the man.
"Oh yes," she said, "Yesterday they were only £5 each."

Little Boy: "Dad, what would happen if I stole that aardvark?"
Father: "You'd go to prison, son."
Little Boy: "Oh! You wouldn't forget to feed him while I was away, would you?"